The Itin—
Spring Equinox Reflections
The Bookshelf
The Shower Playlist
Looking Ahead
The power of sadness…
I have been having a lot of conversations about how this past season (which was cold and long environmentally and mentally and physically) helped me build a loving relationship with sadness unlike any I can recall ever having. Something that has started to really cement from reflecting on all of the experiential learning that life has brought me is that how things are isn’t how they’ll always be. This winter and, honestly, this last year entirely were really sad. Like REALLY SAD (for me). I’m privileged to say that I’m new to big depression. It’s been a couple years and it’s still a bit of a shock to experience. There was so much loss (material and immaterial), and so much misfortune… it felt like a big weight, the sadness. You almost didn’t even notice the gravity until it would every so often lighten a bit. Because while it was really sad, there were so many cherished moments with so many cherished people that fueled my engine of living this year— it would be irresponsible to pretend that wasn’t true. As a therapist, I am often talking clients through that exact experience. We like to call this phenomenon, emotional permanence. Essentially, when you’re feeling a big feeling, and you feel like it’s the only feeling you’ve ever felt. Thinking that this emotion is all you’ve ever known and it objectively marks your life (positively or negatively). When this happens with clients, because I am in my role as a therapist, I have literally been keeping notes of our sessions and how they’ve show up to them— it is very easy for me to help recall the instances that justify a lens of impermanence to the still very sizeable and valid feelings. Eventually, I realized that it would work for me as well— if I can trace the big and small joys back, I will remember times that were not so sad. If I can track my own feelings and the narratives I’ve shaped around those experiences, I might even remember other sad times and the distinct nuances that make those times feel, yes, still sad… but differently… And all that serves as a reminder that this state of being??? It’s temporary. Things will get better, again(…and things will also get worse again, albeit… differently). And when I really let that truth sit with me: it has to mean that hardship is as much the point as joy… and THAT has to mean it doesn’t HAVE to be bad to be sad 🤷🏿♂️ there’s power to find here.
There is a way to move with these big feelings that doesn’t require consigning myself to endless torment. In my determination to discover it (which I think I’ve made some decent headway), I am starting to be more present in my rituals of sadness. What does it mean to really practice grief, actively, intentionally, every day… and forever. Because even when this sadness has passed (and it will, as we’ve acknowledged things do), won’t it still have been sad??? Doesn’t that deserve it’s own grief separate from the grief of living through it?
I have a few clients who have diagnosed with mood disorders*. A common sentiment I hear from these clients is that the bellies of their sadness and grief are an insatiable void that hungers beneath the cage of their daily mask and should they ever remove it, they don’t know if they could ever trap it again. And to that I often ask, ‘how did life teach you that?’ and in the story we typically find… SHAME… shame that was cast on them for being big when they were expected to be small. It’s the shame, not the sadness, that is unbearable. The sadness belongs here, with us! There is room for it. We were made for it. Like are we not looking at the state of the world right now? Are we not being honest about the human experience? Is it not sad? Should we not be sad if it is?
I hope to talk more soon (and also give offering 🙏🏿) around the actual tangible outcomes I’ve found in creating that practice of shameless sadness that I am hoping to become more fond of as time brings it back again. There’s some internal vulnerability stuff that I am navigating in how I capture these rituals into something that is doing something good — as that is my intention (not because art need to be doing something good to be valuable, just so we’re clear 😂) but yeah. As a review for Q1. Not the best. But I learned a lot. And I love learning. I love becoming more and expecting less and relinquishing to evolution in response to knowledge. And I love my life and the vision for it that I have shaped — I think i’ll take it (can’t necessarily say I’d recommend tho but alas!!!) ♥️
*I’m going to talk about diagnoses and mental health language VERY soon so I’m tabling a more thorough explanation here to get to the point
Penspirations…
NYX
W- Jackson Lanzing & Collin Kelly / A- Enid Balám / C- Raúl Angulo / L- VC’s Joe Sabino
Remarks: So I have had my eyes on this book because as y’all know I am quite a big fan of the character Prodigy (I’ve talked about it before several times and this isn’t the first time NYX has been on the list). I am also a big fan of the character Synch. Both are featured in this book and I was really nervous about their exchange. There’s a lot of controversy (within the qbipoc comic book community) about my boy Prodigy and his relationships with white characters (as often written by white writers, it’s loaded). Anyhow, surprisingly, despite him still being written by white writers, I’ve really enjoyed (mostly) his characterization within the story and issue 7 really sold it and the book for me. So as it it’s about to wrap up it’s final issue, I wanted to give it a final shoutout.
Moon Man
W- Scott Mescudi, Kyle Higgins, & Joe Clark / A- Federico Bertoni / C- Igor Monti / L- Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Remarks: Yeah, that’s right! Kid Cudi made a comic book. And, for all intents and purposes, it’s quite good!!! I really enjoy the style and while the writing is nothing insanely transformative, I really am enjoying the book.
Magik
W- Ashley Allen / A- Germán Peralta / C- Arthur Hesli / L- VC’s Ariana Maher
Remarks: I’m being blessed with good magic books recently and I really love that for me
Exceptional X-Men
W- Eve L. Ewing / A- Carmen Carnero / C- Nolan Woodard / L- VC’s Tavis Lanham
Remarks: I kinda think Eve Ewing is kinda like the Shonda Rhimes of Marvel (and I mean that as an insult but I also don’t??? It’s complicated, if this book continues to wow me I will maybe take some time to talk about it eventually) but/and this book is a slow burning hit! And in an era where there’s seemingly a lot of misses and weak storytelling/messaging within the X-line, a win is a win!
Ultimate Wolverine
W- Chris Condon / A- Alessandro Cappuccio / C- Bryan Valenza / L- VC’s Cory Petit
Remarks: I’ve brought up the ultimate line several times because it’s been so very stellar. This is the X-book that is scratching the X-itch for me as truly exciting to read. It’s shown so fun iterations of x-characters and hopefully we get to see more and see these characters grow and achieve. At the end of the day it’s still a relatively regular Wolverine story but again… a win is a win
Psylocke
W- Alyssa Wong / A- Vincenzo Carratú / C- Fer Sifuentes-Sujo / L- VC’s Ariana Maher
Remarks: Imo some of the best action choreography in comics right now. Psylocke moves in such cool ways and Alyssa gives her such cool ways to use her powers. I love it!
Zatanna
W, A, & C- Jamal Campbell / L- VC’s Ariana Maher
Remarks: Jamal Campbell has always been an all-star artist, but to find out that he’s also an all-star writer doing amazing magical work on one of the greatest magical characters in the Big 2?! Wow! What can’t this man do! Also DC is really eating Marvel up on the magic books and displays of magic within these books (Zatanna, Absolute Wonder Woman, New Gods (which I consider magic adjacent)) right now but I’m hopeful with Magik, Scarlet Witch, and this new Doom story (about to be featured below) we see the competition lead to even more incredible magically-rooted comic stories ahead from all parties!
One World Under Doom
W- Ryan North / A- R.B. Silva / C- David Curiel / L- VC’s Tavis Lanham
Remarks: Doom has taken over the world…
(remarks continued:) and he’s kinda eating??? I’m not mad about what he’s offered. And I’m not mad about how he’s communicated his motivations. I’m kinda hype to see how this story evolves but as it currently stands, not only is the book great — it’s beautiful! So I’d recommend it for the people who love Doom. Tons of tie-ins too which are hit and miss (as happens with tie-ins) but the main story seems like it’s paced neatly?? Not too fast but with a clear vision for action and engaging storytelling. We’ll see! ✨
Requiem for release (the melodious muses)…
**I decided every one of these doesn’t need remarks. Some just are good because I like them. Also as always it’s [Artist-Title]
Tracks:
FLO - AAA
Remarks: I wanted FLO to be on my 2024 Replay but other things won out so I’m shouting out one of their songs this quarter because it’s still on the rinse & repeat playlist
Baby Tate - Super Sick
Neema Nekesa - Praying For You
Laila! - Coupé DeVille
Remarks: this Mos Def’s daughter!
Lady Gaga - Abracadabra
Remarks: Tbh her album kind of disappointed me but this song is still a HIT!
Lizzo - Still Bad
Remarks: I’m choosing to ignore her allegations because she finally has a banger that does it for me again 🥴 LOL
Joseline Hernandez - I Like The Way You Are
Remarks: NOW LISTEN!!! JOSELINE GOT A LIL BANGERINO ON HER HANDS AND I THINK WE MIGHT BE UNDERESTIMATING HER 👀
Lil Nas X - HOTBOX
JoJo - Too Much To Say
Remarks: I wanted her entire new project to be perfect and unfortunately it wasn’t for me but this was one of a few that showcased her star status AND her vocal chops successfully
Mark Mick - Bandali
MOLIY - Shake It To The Max (Original & Remix tbh)
JENNIE & Doechii - ExtraL
Remarks: Always gonna find a way to put Doechii on my quarterly round up if her release rhythm allows, there were a few that could’ve made it but decided this was my favorite
DUCKWRTH - Toxic Romantic
Remarks: Alt Black Boys should always have a moment to shine
Carla Vallet - Fantaisie Sign
Everything is Recorded - Never Felt Better ft. Sampha & Florence (of The Machine) Welch
Remarks: this song healed me from the inside out at the turn of the season. I adore Sampha and his soft Black boy energy and that’s what drew me to the song. Because the title and artists are long it didn’t show the extra feature when I clicked on the song and I wasn’t looking at my phone as it scrolled through so when I listened for the first time and heard the soft building call of the forest I said… wait… is- is that…? my fae Goddess queen Flo sans her machinations??????? Oh I LOVE WINNING!!!!!! This is probably gonna be one of my top songs of the year so you’ll hear it again.
Projects:
Bad Bunny - DeBí TiRAR MáS FOTos
Remarks: I grew up in a very multicultural area and had a very diverse group of friends. I spent a lot of time, especially in middle school and early high school, around my latinx friends’ families and around a lot of reggaeton and latine music. Bad Bunny brings me back to the days of really watching people of a culture enjoy something for them so intrinsically and my earliest experiences of enjoying something deeply but from the outside. Which feels so special to me idk I could actually get a little emotional about it? 🥹 Listening to Aventura at my friend Niqui’s house and her explaining to me how sad this song is or why people dance to it in a different way. Ugh!!! Adulthood makes it so hard to just be in your friends’ families houses like that anymore. Anyhow. Badford Bunnington really knows how to make a hit. I don’t know what is being said but I know it slaps exceptionally. Stromae is another artist who strikes me in this way.
FKA Twigs - EUSEXUA
Durand Bernarr - BLOOM
Remarks: Oh Durand!!!! I have listened to all of Durand’s projects but this makes me need to go back and re-appreciate his growth as an artist. Durand has one of the most powerful voices in the industry with some of the widest range and it’s so amazing to see him continue to figure out where and how to use it creatively. I also see some queer teen clients who have all separately mentioned Durand as an inspiration for them and it tracks because his online presence is one that I also deeply enjoy (mature, self-actualized, but still very fun; FREE!). Love this for him I’m going to have to figure out seeing him in concert.
I listened to actually a bunch of new music right at the end of the quarter but I decided I’m going to leave that to see what simmers over the course of the next quarter and place them there. If they’re as high quality as I think they are, you’ll hear more soon. And I don’t believe in music needing to be timely (albeit I did just do a replay that required things to have been released within the year), when music happens to you (you as in, the reader I am sharing it with, but also me, and everyone) is when it’s supposed to happen to you so there’s no rush.
Accountabilibuddy bids…
So I’ve never truly been regulated with my release of substack posts so it’s not necessarily special but I haven’t met my own personal goals for creative writing on the stack in a while so I’m hoping to hold myself accountable aloud in here and really show up to it this year.
Ideally, I think you can expect monthlies outta me. I have some stuff lined up. I’ll be talking about mental health language shortly as I’ve already mentioned. I have landed my first writing gig so I’m going cross post them as they drop but I also have some stuff on the horizon about my organization style, death & dying, self-perception, among some other things (hopefully). At least through the summer I’d like to try to drop something every month at least (and the quarterlies don’t count).
Alsoooo I’m hoping to start thinking about Video Content???? 👀👀👀👀👀 I’ve always wanted to do video essays and I think I might have found a little support in that process. If that’s the case then I’m REALLY hoping to up content. I have some smaller and some more in depth ideas that I think could be really cool for something a little more fun like youtube. I really wanted to take about that Justin Baldoni x Blake Lively thing (lol idk why I got so caught up in these white peoples business but I have a lot to say 😂). The Black queer nerd podcast I’m always dropping/talking about in here talked about Black Himbos once and I wanted to dive into more of my thoughts there and probably just talk about comics and animation across the board more (it’s a lot easier to dialogue about it when I can insert clips from the materials with less effort). So yeah, you will definitely see at least TWO videos from me between now and end of summer but who can say? Maybe a lil more 👀 (don’t hold me to it though, we’re trying to regulate expectations — do hold me to the two tho… because that was the whole point of saying it here)
SN—
Final thing here is last year I tried to do some offerings around learning. This year I intend to try more of that again but also I’m hoping to offer both closed & open Group Therapy sessions as my means of intersecting my need to feel like I’m resisting the state of the world as a healer and my needs for income. Queer Black (& BIPOC) Mental Health & Wellness Groups. Queer Men’s Sexual Wellness Groups (maybe some more intersectional men’s general ones there too). Groups for Queer Black (& BIPOC) Youth to be able to find community. Some intersectional conflict resolution learning groups (because white people actually do also need to be in the room learning from the real educators). I’m still finalizing these things but I am trying to move quickly so that I can complete some rounds of (at least) the key priority groups that I want to do work with and have time to receive feedback and learn and grow and improve before I really try to kick this off in a big way. So I hope to return with reflections on that too but idk that it counts as an accountability bid because this one isn’t EXACTLY about the substack.
Anyway
Happy Spring Friends! May we all continue to bloom into ourselves more and more with each day.
Talk soon 😘